When Someone Tells You Not to Contact Them Ever Again
Can Yous Be Friends With Your Ex? Expert Tips & Everything To Consider
If your relationship ends on practiced terms, it's perfectly reasonable to wonder if it'south possible to be friends with your ex. After all, this person is likely someone you genuinely like and relish spending time with, as well equally someone with whom you probably have shared experiences, ideas, values, and interests. To give up all of that just because yous realized a romantic relationship won't work between y'all 2 may very well feel similar throwing the baby out with the bathwater.
And then let'due south talk nigh how to exist friends with your ex—and when it does and doesn't work.
Is it a adept idea to be friends with your ex?
Yes, it'southward absolutely possible to exist friends with your ex. Whether it's a good thought will depend on the situation and the people involved. Some people are able to have healthy, positive relationships with their exes without any difficulty or complications, whereas others find that trying to stay friends ends upward being unnecessarily messy or fifty-fifty painful.
According to licensed marriage therapist Weena Cullins, LCMFT, sometimes two people find they don't work equally romantic partners, only there are aspects of their relationship that are still valuable and can exist healthily maintained through a friendship.
"Beingness friends with your ex can be a good idea when other aspects of the relationship were valuable to your growth, development, or life goals," she explains. "If you lot and your ex identify that you make better business organization partners, workout buddies, or friends, and you are able to maintain salubrious boundaries with each other, then creating an authentic friendship could piece of work."
She adds that information technology can be especially beneficial if you lot and your ex have children together. Though she says friendships aren't necessary for successful co-parenting, it may create an easier environment for both the parents and the kids. "Information technology can also provide increased flexibility with managing schedules, field of study issues, and the general menstruation of information."
That said, existence friends with an ex can sometimes brand it harder to successfully move on from the relationship if there are still lingering romantic feelings for each other or if tension arises when yous both showtime dating other people.
When you can stay friends with an ex:
- You've taken time to process and take the stop of the romantic relationship.
- Yous both have accustomed that the relationship is really over (and sympathise why it happened).
- Yous feel like you have emotionally moved on from the relationship, and your ex has, as well.
- You no longer take romantic feelings for each other or want to exist in a romantic human relationship.
- Your relationship to each other no longer feels emotionally charged; information technology feels similar energetically to your other friendships.
- Both you and your ex can spend time together without it feeling painful, tense, distracting, or inappropriately intimate.
- Yous no longer experience fastened to, dependent on, or "partnered" with ane some other. You lot both have fully separate, independent, private lives.
- You're both able to maintain appropriate boundaries and manage nostalgic feelings that may come up upward without falling fully into them.
- Yous both experience totally comfy and happy dating other people, and you authentically desire that for each other, too.
- You take kids together or are in each other's social or professional orbits in some fashion, and you need to maintain some level of interaction with each other.
- The friendship adds something positive to both of your lives, whether that's fun, companionship, collaboration, or practicality.
When to cutting ties:
- Yous're secretly hoping yous'll go back together.
- You nonetheless take romantic feelings for your ex, and you're having problem moving on.
- You lot sense (or know) that your ex is non fully over you.
- Yous're belongings on because you can't imagine dating anyone else or having as strong a connection with anyone else ever again.
- You're holding on considering you are scared or unwilling to untangle your lives from one another and starting time to live independently.
- Y'all're holding on because you feel guilty for ending the relationship or feel like you "owe" them your attention in some way.
- Your ex is occupying your time, energy, or headspace, and it's affecting your power to date other people or be present in other parts of your life.
- The idea of them dating someone else makes you feel jealous, uneasy, or upset.
- Talking to them or spending time together feels painful, tense, distracting, or inappropriately intimate.
- The friendship feels one-sided, draining, or otherwise unhealthy.
- You lot're having problem maintaining boundaries and keep slipping into old habits from when yous were dating.
- It but doesn't feel practiced existence friends with them.
Remember, just because you decide to go no-contact for the time being doesn't mean yous tin't still intendance near each other and eventually come together again in the hereafter to nurture a new friendship. Sometimes you but demand a picayune space first.
Tin you be friends with an ex yous still honey?
Information technology'south hard to be friends with an ex y'all still love, merely information technology's possible. For some people, dear isn't something that they ever really "accept back," fifty-fifty after a romantic relationship has ended. They may keep to love and care deeply virtually their one-time partners, though those feelings are no longer tied up with wanting to continue dating. As long as you wholeheartedly take that the relationship is over and are actively moving on with your life, you tin yet maintain a friendship with an ex you love.
That said, if the love y'all accept for your ex still feels intense, hot, emotional, or wistful, staying friends may go far difficult for you to permit go of the relationship and fully move on.
How long should you look after the breakup?
In that location's no set timeline for how long it takes to get over a breakup. For some people, it takes just a few weeks or months, while for others, it can take years. It's of import for both people to experience similar they've moved on—or are in the process of doing so successfully—before trying to be friends. The friendship shouldn't hinder either person's ability to motion on; if it is, information technology'southward likely too soon to be in contact.
Setting boundaries with your ex.
Information technology's important to set boundaries with your ex, whether or non you intend to stay friends. Those boundaries may include concrete, emotional, time, or energetic boundaries. Information technology's upwards to each of you lot to decide what boundaries you need in identify to exist able to stay friends without information technology becoming messy, painful, or sliding back into romantic territory.
Yous may desire to consider:
- How often y'all communicate with each other
- How much you emotionally rely on each other
- How much information you share near your personal lives
- Whether you're going to share information about your dating lives or new partners
- Whether you feel comfortable spending fourth dimension alone together or prefer group hangouts only
- What level of friendliness is comfortable when you see each other in person
- How much time or energy you each expect from one some other
As for physical boundaries, some people feel fine with sharing physical intimacy with their exes—including having casual sex—but that varies widely depending on the people and the context. Cullins warns that having a sexual relationship with an ex often blurs the lines dramatically, simply it is possible if you lot both come up to an agreement to exist friends with benefits with truly no expectations or strings attached.
The cardinal, says Cullins, is making sure that any relationship you take with your ex isn't getting in the way of your ability to move on and (if it's what yous want) potentially connect with other people.
"If you discover that you or your ex are unable to maintain boundaries with each other, then you should cut ties," Cullins says. "If you truly desire to motion on and find that your ex is still occupying the romantic space that your time to come partner should have access to, then it's a good idea to cut things off completely with your ex."
Tips for making it work:
1. Give it fourth dimension.
Don't endeavor to rush into a friendship you're not fix for. You'll probably need at least a petty time and space immediately afterwards the breakup before you lot can start trying to be friends with your ex. "In that location has to be enough distance between the one-time romantic partnership and the new friendship yous are trying to build," Cullins explains.
ii. Make sure you're actually over each other.
The fundamental to making a friendship with an ex work is making sure yous're both actually over each other. Pay attention to how you experience when you lot're around your ex—is the energy charged or tense? Is there a sure pull or attraction between y'all? Are you feeling a rush of butterflies or a launder of sadness when you see their proper noun appear in your texts? Does the idea of them dating someone new fill you with dread? Those are all signs that in that location may still be feelings there.
Likewise, brand certain you lot're taking seriously whatever mixed signals or signs that your ex is pretending to exist over you. As licensed therapist Ken Page, LCSW, recently told mbg, sometimes people lie to their exes—or to themselves—about how "OK" they are with the breakup, in part considering they're just trying to blitz the procedure of moving on. "We want to be resilient," he explains, but it'south important to exist emotionally honest with ourselves about where we truly are in the stages of getting over a breakup.
3. Make sure your relationship is truly dissimilar at present that you lot're non dating.
"Many exes brand the mistake of letting the friendship resemble the romantic relationship too closely. This usually doesn't piece of work in the long run," Cullins says.
Your friendship should not be identical to your former relationship. There should exist differences in your dynamic in terms of how integrated your lives are, how much yous rely on each other, and how much intimacy you lot share. If your relationship is pretty much the same as before you lot bankrupt up, then did yous actually interruption up? Recall: Relationships without labels are still relationships.
4. Only engage as much as it feels good for both of you.
Friendships should feel good. There's no reason to maintain a friendship with your ex if it isn't really serving you or adding something positive to your life. If the main feeling you feel whenever y'all interact with your ex is dread, exhaustion, heartache, or only confusion, you don't demand to continue going forth with information technology just because they're your ex. (And an ex who keeps reappearing in your life and drawing y'all dorsum into their orbit against your will is hoovering y'all—and that's grounds for simply totally cutting things off.)
v. Accept when you lot demand more space.
While it'south definitely possible for exes to be friends, for some people and some situations it merely doesn't work.
"Exist objective well-nigh any cues you notice that indicate that a friendship isn't possible," Cullins says. "For example, if one or both of yous become jealous when the other begins dating someone new, then there may not exist enough separation between the one-time relationship and the friendship."
Information technology's OK to decide you demand to have a step back if you realize that it'due south too emotionally complicated to maintain a friendship with your ex. You can gently explain that y'all'd like to accept some more time and space, whether for at present or for the foreseeable future. Y'all can wish each other well and express that you intendance about your ex, fifty-fifty as you lot name your need for infinite and end the friendship.
And call up, fifty-fifty if you're non actively staying "friends" per se, you tin can still—and should—be cordial and kind to ane some other someday your paths do cantankerous. You don't need to actively maintain a friendship with one another to yet be caring toward each other.
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Source: https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/how-to-be-friends-with-your-ex
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